Motivation: Start Lifting Yourself Up and Stop Beating Yourself Down

Motivation, non-judgment, authentic life
Listen to the Audio Version of Dr. Bando’s Article.
Often, clients or prospective clients approach me for help with motivation. We all want to live vibrant lives and maybe increase exercise, change the foods we eat, stop eating late at night, make that health care appointment, or countless other important things. Today passes, then tomorrow, then a week goes by, and we realize we haven’t made that change we wanted at all. We can’t seem to find that Motivation, so we get frustrated and feel defeated. Our self-talk becomes harsh: “Ugh, I am so bad at this!” “Why can’t I just do what I’m supposed to?! It should be easy!” “I’m hopeless.” “I’m an idiot!” We give up for the moment and throw in the towel, abandon our goals, and try to accept things as they are, giving up hope that we will ever make that change.

Finally Fed Up?

Maybe we finally decide to get serious. We are disgusted enough with ourselves that we make a strict plan to ensure we adhere to the behaviors we “should” be doing. Then one day passes, then another, then a week, and then here we are: still stuck, still without change.

Perhaps we even make the change for a brief time. Maybe we start eating in a way that makes us feel nourished and energized while helping to reach a target weight. Then, time goes by, and we are sick of being restrictive and “depriving” ourselves, so we give in and “indulge,” feeling stuck in old behaviors, staying unmotivated, and continuing the cycle.

It’s Time to Get Motivated!

MOTIVATION happens when our goals align with our values, then the behaviors we take to move toward our goals link closely to our values, and we reinforce those behaviors. I know from personal experience that the key factors in staying Motivated are reinforcement, which inspires and ignites Motivation, and punishment, which extinguishes Motivation. When we narrow it down to these two simple principles, we begin to realize how straightforward it is to start down a path to lasting change. By reinforcing yourself with simple things like clear goals, being in tune with what is truly important to you, and staying passionate (by focusing on what works and reinforcing the hell out of it), you are guaranteed to break yourself free from that cycle.

Audio Meditation for Motivation:

Listen to Dr. Bando’s Audio Meditation
To stay motivated and moving toward goals that you value, you must build the muscle of Reinforcement. Finding what you are already doing that is working, or taking very small steps forward, and then rewarding those actions creates sustainable motivation for change. Think of it this way: punishment extinguishes motivation and reinforcement creates, ignites, awakens and maintains motivation. Where you have reinforcement, you can create motivation.

Let’s practice building this muscle:

Start with noticing your breathing. You do not have to change or alter your breath. Simply notice that you are inhaling and exhaling. Pay attention to where in your physical body you feel your breath.

Now, for the next three to five breaths, pay attention to where you feel your breath in your physical body and when your mind wanders away or zones out, gently bring your attention back to your breath.

When you notice yourself wander and bring you attention back to your breath, you can think of this as a weight lifting rep, or an exercise to build your ability to put your attention where you want it.

Now, let’s go further. Using this idea of placing the mind where you want it to be in the moment, recall one thing you did in the past day that was effective. Unless you achieved a huge goal in the past day, this exercise requires you to let go of judgments and find where you were effective. Do not dismiss anything for not being “good” enough or “big” enough. If you were tired and you got up on time, that is an accomplishment. If you felt depressed and did not want to get out of bed but you took a shower, perhaps that was effective. It does not matter how big or small you think this action was, take a moment and pick one effective action you engaged in over the past day.

When you have that behavior in mind, reinforce it. You can reinforce this behavior a number of ways: you can reinforce with self-talk, such as, “Good job,” or “I did it,” or “Nice!” Remember, your focus is on what you did well and reinforcing it. If your mind wanders to telling you that it wasn’t good enough, your practice is to gently bring your focus back to what you did well and reinforce it. You may also reinforce your behavior through soothing touch. Maybe if feels soothing to place your hands over your heart center and notice the warmth, or one hand over the other hand, or gently cup your face with both hands. This is touch that feels loving and sweet. Again, when your mind wanders to you or your behavior not being good enough, gently bring your attention back to what you did well and reinforce it.

This is the practice of increasing your motivation in a way that is sustainable and reliable. You can practice this every day – find one thing you did well and practice turning your mind toward noticing what you accomplished and reinforcing it. When your mind goes toward judgments about you or your behavior not measuring up, this is punishment. It will extinguish your motivation and ability to move forward. It’s not wrong, this is just what minds do, they wander, and they come up with judgments. Your task is to calmly notice when this happens and bring your attention back to reinforcing your accomplishment. Practice, practice, practice this and you will notice your motivation grow and your ability to take more steps toward your goals increase.


When Others’ Opinions Get You Down (and What to Do When You Feel Fat)

judging ridicule others' opinions feeling fat
We’ve all been self-conscious about our appearance, and have at one point or another worried about what other people think of us. Whether it’s how we dress, speak, act, or even weigh, that concern can at times be overwhelming. While it’s important to take in others’ opinions (this gives us a reflection of ourselves and how we are perceived), over-valuing what others think or may think, while under-valuing our own ideas can damage our self-respect. If you’d like to spend less time concerned about others’ opinions and more time embodying your own values, I’ve put together a few strategies that will help you in this area.

Tuning In

Tuning in requires focusing on your internal voice and turning up the volume so that it is louder than the opinions around you. When you find yourself in a situation where you feel over-worried about what someone else may think of you, ask yourself, “What, in my deepest values, do I believe about this situation?” You may also ask yourself how you would respond to a friend who was in your shoes. Would you shame and browbeat her or tell her that you understand where she is coming from and she did not do anything to be embarrassed? The strategies of asking how you feel, what you believe and to what standard you would hold someone you care about, gives you valuable feedback about whether you want to correct your behavior or if the problem is not your behavior but worry thoughts and shame entering your mind and body.

Your Values, Thoughts, and Emotions

When you have discovered that you have behaved, dressed, spoken, etc., in line with your values but are still plagued by embarrassment and worries about what others think of you, the first step is DON’T CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. If you change your behavior when your behavior is not the problem, you are sending yourself a confusing message and shame is likely to build.

For example, Marla (pseudonym) found herself concerned that she was not “thin enough” and felt embarrassed about her appearance in certain social situations. As a result of this embarrassment, Marla would tug on her clothes, check herself often in the mirror, avoid being in pictures, and plan her outfit days in advance in response to excruciating worry thoughts. When Marla asked herself about her values, she realized that she would never ever treat a friend the way she was treating herself. She would never judge a friend based on her weight or fit of her clothes and would not want to associate herself with anyone who would judge in this way. Yet, she had been behaving as though she should be ashamed.

Marla’s strategy became clear: Treat her body as perfectly fine and refuse to apologize for how she looks. This means that Marla resisted urges to tug on her clothes, plan the perfect outfit in advance, and even volunteered to be front-and-center in photos. Initially, her self-critical and worry-thoughts increased, and she felt embarrassment wash over her when seeing a full-body picture posted on Facebook. Marla was determined, though, and she persisted.

Over time, her mind and body understood the consistent message that Marla was sending. The message was, “I will not apologize for how my body looks because there is no reason to apologize.” Her self-hating thoughts and worries about what others thought of her began to quiet and feelings of embarrassment lessened over time. Now, when Marla feels a surge of her old urge to apologize for her appearance rear its ugly head, she knows what to do and prioritizes her mental health and self-respect.

As my wise Zen teacher says, “You cannot force yourself to be different. All you can do is practice every day until one day, you become what you have practiced.”

Your Breath and Sensations

If you find it difficult to tune into your values and priorities, start with your breath. Any of my past or present patients will tell you that at least once per therapy session, I will ask them to stop and notice three inhalations and exhalations. This offers an opportunity to notice what the breath is doing in the body. Stop and try it now – place your awareness on your breath for three inhales and exhales. Notice: Where in your physical body does your attention go as you are placing your awareness on your breathing? Your breath is a readily available sensation that can help you start to tune into your body and then your wisdom.

After noticing how your breath feels in your physical body, you can also start to pay attention to sensations. Start to ask yourself questions, such as, “How does my body feel when I am having fun, trusting myself, following what feels right?” Are you relaxed in some areas, tense in others? Do you notice changes in your posture? How about temperature or a feeling of moving energy in various parts of your body? The more you tune into how your body feels, you will begin to get clear messages from your wisdom and be able to sharply access your values and priorities in different situations.

Now What?

The more you practice paying attention to your breath, listening to your body and feelings, identifying your values and behaving as though they matter, the easier it will become. With any new behavior practice, practice and then more practice is needed to help the new habit stick. As my wise Zen teacher says, “You cannot force yourself to be different. All you can do is practice every day until one day, you become what you have practiced.”

Identify a step from this article that you can put into practice today and practice doing this every day until it becomes easy for you. Then, identify and take a next step. If you are a person who has loud self-critical thoughts, it will take a while for them to calm down and for value-driven thoughts to take up your mind space. Give yourself the time you need and devote yourself to one small practice every day.

If you want additional help learning how to truly experience and enjoy your life, contact Dr. Bando today for an online consultation and start shifting from surviving to thriving!


Feeling Over-“stuffed”: 4 of 4

How to Focus on What Matters During the Holidays (and Keep Yourself Feeling Merry).

Part 4 of 4 of the Holiday Stress Survival Guide

Overeating during the holidays is a shared experience. Everywhere you go seems to be ripe with opportunities to stuff yourself. Cookies, cakes, desserts, and rich meals abound. If you already struggle with overeating, this time of year can feel like a nightmare. Even if overeating is not typically a problem for you, many people gain weight during the holidays and pay with colds, flu and feeling sluggish, and tight clothes in the months following. Read on for some ideas on eating in a way that makes you feel proud of your behavior and connected to your body.

 

AM I HUNGRY?

During the holidays, our self-care behaviors can be on automatic pilot. There is a lot to pay attention to and noticing how we are feeling or what our body needs may not be on the top of the list or even make it on our radar.

 

It may seem obvious, but asking yourself the question, “Am I hungry?” can change your relationship with food and the choices you make about eating. Here’s how to practice: Take a breath (or three) and notice where in your body you feel your breath. Now ask yourself the question, “Am I hungry?” and notice what your body tells you. Put on a curious hat here and notice. Does your mind come up with words? Do you notice sensations in your body? What happens when you ask yourself if you are hungry?

 

Advanced: You can extend this practice and further ask yourself, “How do I know I am hungry (or full)? Where do I feel it in my body?” Try to notice and describe this to yourself.

 

Extra Credit: While eating, pause now and then to take a breath (or three) and ask yourself these questions again. What do you notice now?

 

Why this works: Taking a few breaths and moments to notice what your body is feeling in relation to food and nourishment can help you connect in, be aware of what your body needs or wants and give you some intention before eating. Eating is designed to be enjoyable, nourishing and deeply satisfying. It is a basic need we all share. Practicing connecting with your body in a nonjudgmental, curious way before and during a meal, can change what you eat, the quantity, or how you feel about it. Experiment and notice what happens!

 

Over eating Therapy, Califorinia Psychologist, online therapy

SELF-COMPASSION

I am trying to come up with one person I know who does not have judgments in relation to food. I can’t think of anyone. Our society breeds food and body judgments: good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, fat (bad) vs. thin (good), worthy (thin and fit) vs. unworthy (fat and unfit). We see people on TV commercials celebrating weight loss through packaged food that really doesn’t taste very satisfying. Probably 99% of actresses or actors do not exceed a certain weight limit. We are given the impression that if we just eat “right,” we should be able to look like these characters and the role our genetics play in body shape and size is minimized. We all, to varying degrees, develop a complex about food, size, and worth. Ironically, food is a basic need that must be satisfied to survive. How strange to be taught guilt, shame and judgment about fulfilling a survival need.

 

Most of these judgments are an intellectual and heady experience that has little to do with the body. While reading labels on food and trying to eat healthily are worthwhile pursuits, it leaves out understanding how the body feels and our ability to respond to the body’s needs. I have clients who thrive while eating mainly a plant-based diet and others whose bodies sing while eating animal products. Others feel great and lose inches and bloat on a high-fat eating plan. Some people have food allergies. Every body is different. Every body has its own, unique experience with food. So, doesn’t it make sense to ask how our body is feeling about eating and respond accordingly?

 

Rather than think about a “good” food to eat, practice asking your body what it needs. See what your body says and how it feels during and after eating. This is a much more compassionate and nurturing way to feed yourself. This process also gives you information. What does your body want and when? What happens when you give this food to your body? Do different quantities of this food affect how your body feels?

 

This approach urges you to develop a supportive relationship with your body, kind of like giving yourself the gift of good parenting. This is especially important if you did not receive nurturing parenting or your body has long been deprived of sweet, gentle compassion. When babies are fed, it is a soft, quiet experience, often followed by sleep. Preferably, soothing tones are spoken, and a gentle touch is given. Imagine feeding yourself in this way. Imagine letting go of judgments, giving your body what it wants to eat in the amount that feels right. Checking in and adjusting type or quantity of food as your body calls for it. What a different experience!

 

In addition to practicing asking yourself if you are hungry, try offering yourself some gentle compassion at your next meal. Maybe place a hand on top of your other hand, as a reminder to bring loving awareness to the experience. Perhaps nourish yourself with a deep breath or words of encouragement such as, “This can be hard. Let’s go slow and see how this feels.” Practice calling up the image of someone you love dearly and while you eat, treat yourself with the love and gentleness you would treat this person. Feed yourself compassion with every bite and see what happens to your relationship with food.

 

REMEMBER, CHANGE IS A PROCESS

My Zen teacher reminds me often, you cannot force change. All you can do is practice. Keep practicing, every day, until one day it becomes who you are.

Happy Holidays! Wishing you a gentle, loving, compassionate experience with yourself and the food you eat.

Please remember, life is too short just to survive. Use these practices to help you THRIVE!

 

Read the whole series

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 1: Holiday Stress

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 2: Navigating Relationships

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 3: Loneliness

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 4: Overeating

If you use any of the practices suggested, please feel free to share your experiences and send your comments to contact@drbando.com. While Dr. Bando will not answer personally, your comments and feedback help inform future posts.


Feeling Over-“stuffed”: 1 of 4

How to Focus on What Matters During the Holidays (and Keep Yourself Feeling Merry).

 

The holiday season is marketed as being the “most wonderful time” of the year. For many of us, this is not always the case. Our to-do lists get longer: we have gifts to buy, trips to book, decorations to hang, cards to send, and on it goes. Many of us deal with stressful family dynamics that also like to come along for the sleigh ride.

 

All this busy-ness during the holidays can divert us from getting to the heart of what really matters. Everyone may have a slightly different idea about what they value most, but all of us typically want some sense of inner peace, satisfaction, happiness, and connection with those we love. Read on for Part 1 of my four-part Holiday Stress Survival Guide; it contains helpful tips to stop “stuff”ing yourself with all the things the holidays bring – gifts, lists, endless tasks, and yes, food – and ease through the season with a strong connection to whatever is deeply important to you.

 

Peaceful, grounded holiday season, online therapy, counseling

UNREALISTIC HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS

Holiday movies often set the stage for unrealistic standards. With a funny or heartwarming story centered around family, they sell us the message of a season with fantastic holiday décor, impeccably wrapped gifts, chef-quality meals that magically appear, and relationship snafus ending in a hearty laugh and a hug. This all happens with full hair and makeup, flawlessly styled outfits, and no lint or wrinkles in sight. The media (and retail shops) create pressure to make the holidays shine with the perfect gifts.

 

Social media can also create pressure. Have you ever been at an event that was chaotic and not-so-fun, only to discover a friend post a picture of that same event looking charming and lovely? You wonder what happened to the screaming, running children, dog pee in the middle of the room, turkey that fell on the floor and all the grumbling guests.

 

The point here is that pictures and videos, whether they are professionally laid out ads who employ a full-time staff to capture one perfect-looking moment or a friend’s Facebook post, are typically not representative of how the in-person moment honestly feels. People are putting their best foot forward, and we don’t see the behind-the-scenes struggles. Have you heard that old saying, “Don’t compare your insides to others’ outsides?” You will almost always come up short.

So, what do we do?

Take control and set your own expectations!

 

STEP 1: DEFINE YOUR OWN VALUES

As always, take a deep breath (or three), and center yourself. Acknowledge that you have access to your wisdom and call on it to come forth and take over for a moment. Now, define a couple of values that you would like to take through the holiday season and jot them down or save them somewhere. Some ideas are below. Pick a few or come up with your own. Make sure to select value-words that resonate with you right now. Do not choose any words that come with the idea that you “should” value them. Only pick the values that sing to you in this moment.

 

ACCEPTANCE — ADVENTURE — BEAUTY — CARING — COMFORT — COMPASSION — CONTRIBUTION — COOPERATION — CREATIVITY — ECOLOGY — FAITHFULNESS — FLEXIBILITY — FORGIVENESS — FUN — GENEROSITY — GENUINENESS — GROWTH — HEALTH — HUMOR — INTIMACY — LOVING — MINDFULNESS — MODERATION — OPENNESS — PASSION — PLEASURE — PURPOSE — ROMANCE — SELF-ACCEPTANCE — SELF-COMPASSION — SIMPLICITY — SPIRITUALITY — TOLERANCE — TRADITION

 

STEP 2: PRIORITIZE

If you chose a bunch of values, take a moment to pick just one or two that stand out most to you. Check in with yourself and make sure it feels right – that if this value carries you through the holiday season, you will feel pride in your actions and as though you are living in your integrity.

Make the holidays easy, telehealth online therapy California

STEP 3: MAKE IT EASY

Nobody needs extra work during the busy holiday stress season. Instead of setting hard-to-reach goals about behaving in particular ways according to your values, let up a bit and create something gentler that will permeate and be effective.

 

I suggest putting the couple words you chose in the places that you will see them often. Some ideas: post-its on your computer screen, your bathroom mirror, in the car; notes with reminder bells on your calendar; a love note to yourself with these words placed in your packed lunch or on your nightstand to read just before bed and upon waking. You get the idea – put these meaningful values places that you will see them often. When you see them, you can just walk on by, and let them sneak in through your periphery. Sometimes, when you have the minute to spare, you can use the words as a reminder to take a breath (or three) and focus on your desire to bring these qualities into your life.

 

STEP 4: DON’T FORGET SELF-COMPASSION!

Want to turn it up a notch and ensure these values powerfully appear in your life? Offer them to yourself! Try a short, little practice daily, and you may be amazed at what starts to happen. Find a ritual that you engage in every day: brushing your teeth, making coffee or tea, putting on your shoes. Tie this ritual to the value-words you have chosen and offer these values to yourself. For example, if you selected the values of “comfort” and “health,” while brushing your teeth (or whatever activity you choose) say to yourself, “May I receive comfort. May I receive health.” Repeat the statements over and over again. Do it again the next day and the next. It does not matter whether you feel their impact or reject them totally. Keep saying the statements over and over. Let the statements do the work and seep in on their own time.

 

Happy Holidays! Please remember, life is too short just to survive. Use these practices to help you THRIVE!

 

Read the whole series

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 1: Holiday Stress

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 2: Navigating Relationships

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 3: Loneliness

Feeling Over-”stuffed” Part 4: Overeating

 

If you do partake in any of the holiday stress relieving practices suggested, please feel free to share your experiences and send your comments to contact@drbando.com. While Dr. Bando will not answer personally, your comments and feedback help inform future posts.

 

 


How To Prevent Seasonal Depression This Winter

seasonal depression, seasonal affective disorder, SAD

 

Many people find it hard to get going on a gloomy day. The covers feel extra cozy and that cup of hot coffee or tea, extra warm and inviting. The urge to stay in your pajamas and curl up indoors beckons you.

You may notice the weather can influence your mood. You might feel more tired or even down and blue. It might be hard to motivate yourself to get much done. Feeling subdued is nothing to concern yourself with if it happens for a day or two. Relax and put your feet up (as much as your schedule allows) and give yourself permission to chill out and indulge. The key is to soak up the laziness and enjoy, without shirking your responsibilities or feeling pulled farther and farther into hibernation.

This may be easier said than done. For some, seasonal depression is an experience that lasts all winter long.

What is Seasonal Depression?

Seasonal Depression is sometimes called “the winter blues” and psychologists give it the more formal title of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It is a set of depressive symptoms that occur with a seasonal pattern, typically emerging in the Fall, when the weather gets colder, and remitting in the Spring, with the more frequent sunshine. Occasionally, people experience the opposite, with symptoms during Spring and Summer.

Typical symptoms include having low energy, feeling tired, sad and sluggish, losing interest in activities, difficulty concentrating, and sleep/appetite changes. Additionally, with seasonal depression, you may experience irritability, agitation, anxiety, hypersensitivity, and conflict in getting along with others. Frequently, symptoms start out mild and can become more severe.

What causes Seasonal Depression?

A major cause of seasonally-based depression is biology. Your biological clock (or circadian rhythm) may be partly to blame.  Changing patterns of sunlight and less daylight affect your biological clock. Reduced sunlight can also cause decreases in serotonin, a neurotransmitter (chemical in the brain) which affects and regulates mood. Finally, the body’s balance of melatonin may be disrupted, which also affects mood and sleep.

Another cause of seasonal depression is vulnerability factors. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), vulnerability factors are described as circumstances that make you more vulnerable to experiencing intense, unpleasant emotions. These factors may include environmental stress, a diet that isn’t supporting your needs, sleep irregularities (lack of or too much sleep), lack of exercise (or too much or the wrong kind for you), and physical illness. During Winter, as the weather and winter colds and flu make you feel tired, worn down, and depressed, you may become even more vulnerable, less equipped to handle stressors and feel greater amounts of unpleasant emotions more frequently.  When vulnerability factors are high, intense emotions can follow, making you even more vulnerable.

How to prevent Seasonal Depression?

A gold-standard and evidence-based treatment (research shows it works) for any cause of depression is called Behavioral Activation. In short, this means that as soon as you suspect depression may be on its way (or has arrived), you make a plan to get active. In DBT, this is called Opposite Action.

Specifically, identify all of the depressive behaviors you might want to engage in (e.g., call in sick to work, stay in all weekend without socializing, watch more television). Then, identify their opposites (e.g., show up early to work, make plans ahead of time with friends and keep them, have your shoes and jacket by the door ready to go for a walk after work). Next, get busy doing the opposite behaviors that you feel like doing when you are depressed.

The key is to be clear and specific about what Opposite Action you are going to take (make plans with Joe to see a movie on Sunday afternoon, not vaguely: make plans this weekend), and then throw yourself in all-the-way. Don’t expect it to be easy. Combating depression is exactly that, combat. And, do not be discouraged. It is a battle you can win with persistence and encouragement.

When engaging in Opposite Action, do not suppress how you are feeling or your desire to stay home and put your head under the covers. Instead, allow yourself to feel how you feel AND, at the same time, throw yourself all-the-way into the Opposite Action you have identified and let the skill do the work. (Do not wait until you feel like doing Opposite Action. That day may never come, and it allows Depression to take even more of a hold.) Then, do it again and again until you have gone through your list of Opposite Action tasks and Depression has been sent on his not-so-merry way. If you find it hard to get started, pick one very small step you can take, and take it! Last (and definitely not least), remember to reinforce yourself for taking each step. Reinforcement is a powerful change agent. The more you use it immediately after engaging in desired behaviors, the easier those behaviors will become.

Another way to prevent seasonal depression is by managing your vulnerability factors. Identify what is making you more vulnerable to intense, unpleasant emotions. Although this step may seem obvious, we often do not realize the number of stressors present until we say it out loud to someone else or give it some intentional thought. Once you’ve identified your vulnerability factors (e.g., not sleeping well, feeling under the weather, nutrition has been off the past week), you can brainstorm some ways to attend to them and give yourself really good cold-weather care. For example, if you know that you need extra sleep during the winter and without it, you become quite irritable, see if you can brainstorm some ways to get even just a little bit more sleep each night. Your body and emotions will thank you.

Other treatments for seasonally-based depression address the physical causes. To help combat decreases in natural light, you might use Light Therapy. This works with specially designed light therapy boxes, and research shows it can help. Some people also elect to try vitamins and supplements (in consultation with their health provider) as an alternative to psychotropic medications, such as anti-depressants.

If you have noticed that your mood shifts as the season changes, you may find it helpful to seek out therapeutic support in learning to manage it. Therapists can teach you how to send depression into remission, and then prevent or drastically reduce the likelihood of a relapse. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one helpful approach. DBT offers techniques to help you identify your unique vulnerability factors, engage in self-care to reduce and manage them, and notice earlier when they may be affecting you so that you can take steps to mitigate depression. If you think DBT may help you, contact a qualified therapist and start shifting from surviving to thriving today!

 


How To Get The Most Out Of Your Therapy Session

If you are seeking a therapy session, it is likely because you want something in your life to change and you would like expert support and guidance through the process. You want a skilled professional to help take out the guesswork and help get you to your goals.

In the past, this has meant that on top of the stress or problem(s) for which you are seeking help, you must find the time, during business hours, to leave your home or office and make it to a weekly therapy session. Packed schedules, work requirements, and congested commutes present valid obstacles to taking over an hour out of your day every week to drive to your therapist’s office. Not to mention the trouble if the expert you’d like help from lives far away from you. In today’s busy world, many people are turning to TeleHealth or TeleTherapy sessions. These video therapy sessions use HIPAA-secure formats that function similar to Skype or Facetime to make therapy more accessible.

Whatever format you select for your therapy session, your success depends largely upon the work you put in, not just on the effort of the therapist. When attending therapy, your active participation in the process will help you to get the most out of your therapy appointments and ultimately, achieve the results you want.

Treat Therapy As A Collaborative Process

We often view therapists as the expert in the room. Therapists do bring a great deal of knowledge about psychology and new ideas for how to help you. However, you are also an expert in the room. You know best about your history, what you have tried in the past, and what is happening in your present.

A therapy session will be most successful if you work collaboratively and come prepared with what you want to work on in each session. Then, work with your therapist to set goals, explore information, make discoveries, and learn how to apply new skills to your life. Ultimately, you decide what to take away from the therapy session.

 

Make therapy work for you, Get the most of therapy, California therapist

 

Apply What You Learn Outside Of Session

As you and your therapist work together, you will understand yourself better and identify new, more effective ways of behaving. It is essential to apply these new skills outside of session. Whenever possible, ask for homework and then do it. If it is too challenging (usually this is the case when you find yourself not doing the homework), ask your therapist for help. It is your therapist’s job to help you generalize the skills that you learn in the therapy office to making real-time changes in your life. This means the therapist must use their expertise to assign homework in a way that not only challenges you but also is likely that you will engage with and complete the practice(s) they’ve suggested.

Remember to communicate with your therapist about any barriers you face putting the new skills into action. Trying a new skill once and never again will not help you get to that point of lasting change. Every new skill takes practice to become a new habit, and you are paying with your time and money to get help. Use it to your advantage!

Talk To Your Therapist About Your Therapy

When people go to therapy, it is often because they want to address some concern or problem in their life. You may be focused on discussing that problem and finding solutions, which makes sense. In addition, therapy works best when you also talk to your therapist about your therapy.

This means you can reflect on what is working and share those thoughts with your therapist. If you like a new skill, let your provider know. If you are unhappy about something, talk to your therapist about it and see how the two of you can navigate this situation. Giving your therapist this feedback allows them to respond by adjusting their interventions to be more appealing to you or more relevant to your treatment goals.

Find Therapy That Fits Your Lifestyle

Nowadays, most people don’t want to travel to get to therapy appointments or lie on a couch in the room with a therapist. And you don’t have to do these things to get results. With TeleHealth therapy, you can benefit from the skilled, focused attention of a therapist when and where you need it. Even within the comfort of your home, you can access professional therapy with TeleTherapy services via video calls. Making therapy easier to access means you are more likely to stay engaged and on track with your goals.

Once you have started therapy, use these tips to get the most out of your sessions, get the results you want, and start shifting from surviving to THRIVING.


What is DBT and How Can It Help Me?

Seeking help and going to therapy can be stressful. Choosing the right approach can ensure you get the care you need to make the changes you want. In this article, I’m going to give you introduction to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a treatment that may be helpful if you want more balance in your emotional life. DBT has become a popular technique used to help individuals cope with the stressful challenges life throws their way, and the intense emotions that can follow. The scientific research for this treatment is strong. Individuals often report huge, impactful, positive life change as a result of DBT. DBT focuses on helping people change their reactions and behaviors to create more resilience in life. Understanding what Dialectical Behavior Therapy is and how it works can help you decide if it is the right approach for you.

What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that was initially developed for people suffering from chronic suicidal thoughts and behaviors, and those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, implementing DBT revealed that it is helpful for people in a range of situations having difficulties managing emotions, and can help to reduce anxiety and improve coping mechanisms under stressful circumstances. DBT teaches you coping techniques and strategies to deal with difficult emotions without being caught up and swept away in them.

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What Does Dialectical Behavior Therapy Involve?

DBT is best administered by an experienced therapist, with a history of training and supervision in DBT by experts in the field. Full program DBT involves weekly individual therapy in addition to attending a weekly DBT Skills Group. Treatment length varies by person and treatment goals.

DBT includes –

  • Collaboration – working with a skilled therapist can help you identify what you want out of life and obstacles getting in your way. Bringing awareness to both your goals and challenges in a specific, systemized way is a key step toward making the changes you want.
  • Learning skills – one of the most important aspects of DBT is learning specific skills to incorporate into your everyday routine for growth, happiness, and fulfillment.
  • Practice – DBT is a behavioral therapy. This means that new behaviors must be practiced for change to occur. Practice, practice, practice, and then some more practice, is a common mantra in DBT.

The Four Modules Of DBT Skills

The four areas of skills learned in DBT are designed to help you better understand your thoughts and feelings, and change your behaviors to better achieve and support the life that you want. These modules include:

  1. Mindfulness
  2. Distress Tolerance
  3. Interpersonal Effectiveness
  4. Emotional Regulation

Who Can Benefit From DBT?

DBT has been shown to be successful in a number of different areas and for those suffering a range of issues including:

  • Relationship problems
  • Low self-esteem or shame
  • Weight management
  • Eating disorders
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Borderline Personality Disorder

DBT can also be used in many other situations, even where a specific diagnosis may not be defined. Under the guidance of an experienced and well-trained DBT therapist, you can learn life-changing skills to make a profound impact on your well-being.

DBT is an inspiring treatment method that can help change your life for the better. Talking with a DBT therapist can help you determine whether DBT is the right therapy approach for you. Contact me today if you may be interested in finding out more about DBT and shifting your life from surviving to thriving!


4 New Perspectives To Free You From The Guilt And Shame Drain

Guilt and shame can hold you back from the happiness and freedom you desire, draining your energy and burning you out. Sometimes it can feel like shame is eating away at you from the inside, and you can’t even bear to face family and friends.

Fortunately, there are steps you can take to be free from the guilt and shame drain, starting today. Working one on one with a skilled Dialectical Behavior Therapist is a key way to begin letting go of these painful emotions to live a happier, more fulfilling life. As a part of DBT, you will learn specific techniques to shift your perspectives and see things in new light.

  1. Recognizing Guilt and Shame is the First Step

If you recognize your feelings and are able to label them as guilt or shame, you’ve already begun the journey to cope skillfully with these emotions. Just bringing attention and mindfulness to when you are feeling guilt or shame is a powerful step. When you realize that guilt or shame is what you are feeling, gently label and make a note of it internally, without trying to change or modify it. This act of mindfulness and recognition of emotions works into the further stages of DBT where you can learn to welcome pain and skillfully cope with it, rather than pushing it away, which often increases emotional distress.

  1. Your View May Not Be What Others See

One of the tricks that guilt and shame play on your mind is creating thoughts that things are all your fault or that everyone is blaming you. One of the first steps DBT teaches is to recognize and unglue from your thoughts. This step involves working with a DBT therapist to carefully review how you may be automatically coming to conclusions about situations and staying stuck in a rut. When you are feeling guilt and shame, take a closer look at your thoughts and interpretation of the situation that brought up these painful feelings. Recognizing these biases in interpretation is a first step to using DBT to tap into your wisdom and let go of worry thoughts.

  1. Take A Short Break From Your Feelings

When you are feeling guilt and shame, it can be easy to get stuck in a cycle of self-blame and anger. It is important to give yourself permission to give yourself a break from what can be an endless cycle. Do this intentionally, not to avoid the problem-solving process, rather, just to give yourself a break so you can come back to solve the problem at a different time. Take time off to do an activity you enjoy, to help others, or to just do or think about something else for a while. Taking a break from the intensity of emotions can give you the chance to refresh and gain a new perspective on the situation.

  1. Remember That Emotions Are Temporary

Always remember that “this too shall pass” and nothing lasts forever. Mind states and emotions – no matter how powerful – are  temporary and we can ride them out. (If emotions feel never-ending and do not feel temporary to you, a DBT therapist can help with that!) This doesn’t mean you should avoid problem-solving when necessary. Still, you may not need to treat every thought and emotion as though it is very serious and must be solved immediately. Training the mind is a process. The mind is always changing, and we can learn to let thoughts and emotions come and go gracefully.

An experienced DBT therapist can equip you with essential skills and techniques so you can learn to be free from the guilt and shame drain. Contact me today to work with me on creating a happier and more fulfilling life.


PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

I heard that you might want to make some changes to become happier and more fulfilled.

Well, what are you waiting for?! Just do it! Do it now! Go! Start! Fast! Come on! What’s wrong with you?! Get it done!

That approach of hammering and berating yourself is not effective. In fact, it is quite unmotivating, especially in the long-term.

Did you know that it is scientifically impossible to simply change and create a whole new way of being suddenly and without practice?

Imagine you want to become a professional golfer. You decided one day that would be something you would like to do. So, you told yourself, “Just do it! It’s a matter of will. If I want it bad enough, I can have it. Just do it!” What then? Would you expect yourself, never having hit a golf ball, to go out the next day and successfully compete against Tiger Woods? Of course not. You know that is impossible.

Yet, we do this to ourselves all the time. We decide that we want to eat healthier, exercise more, act differently in our relationships, and we tell ourselves to “just do it!” Then we slip into behaving the same old way that didn’t work before and believe we have done something wrong and somehow should have gotten different results. What we are missing here is that change requires skill and

DEVELOPING A SKILL REQUIRES PRACTICE!

 Not just practice, but PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, and then some more PRACTICE.

You can start PRACTICING new behaviors to start to change your life today. Here are FIVE STEPS for successful practice:

  1. Think about what you want and make sure it is something that YOU want. (Not something you think you “should” want or a way that others believe you “should” behave.)

EXAMPLES: You want to feel healthy and vibrant in your body and want to change your eating to achieve this. (You do NOT set out to change your diet because someone told you that you should.)

  1. Now, think about some action steps that might be needed for you to be on the path toward what you want. Keep these actions steps simple and easy enough for you to do them in real time.

EXAMPLES: mindfully eat a nourishing meal, go for a walk, take a breath before responding when irritated, go to bed before midnight

  1. Write these action steps into your personal Reinforcement Practice Sheet (CLICK HERE).
  2. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, and then PRACTICE engaging in these behaviors whenever you can.
  3. Rather than focusing on or mentally beating yourself up for when you are not practicing, focus your mind on when you do PRACTICE, and reinforce it. (Use the Reinforcement Practice Sheet for ideas.)

Most importantly, give yourself a break! Smile, laugh, understand that you are human, and revel in the imperfections along the way. (More on this in a future newsletter.)

LIFE’S TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!


© 2017 Amanda Gale Bando Phd · Designed and Developed by D-Kode Technology

Dr. Amanda Gale-Bando

Dr. Amanda Gale-Bando