4 Tips for Handling an Argument

Arguments are an inevitable part of life. If you ever have a relationship with anyone, it is very likely that at some point, you will disagree. Disputes are a normal and expected part of intimacy – whether you argue with your spouse or partner, business colleague or boss, or friend or even acquaintance, arguments are part of how humans connect, understand each other, and sometimes even bond. If, however, you find yourself getting into frequent arguments, your arguments get more intense than seems effective, or you struggle to resolve disputes, try these 4 Tips for Handling an Argument, to improve your communication and increase the probability you get the results that you want.

  1. Use “I Feel” Statements

If you are rolling your eyes because you’ve heard about “I” statements in therapy mumbo-jumbo self-help books before, please suspend your judgment and read on. “I” statements are not about being mushy-gushy, “I’m okay, you’re okay,” and only using language to appease the other person. Used correctly, “I” statements function to reduce the other person’s defensiveness and help you to get your point across clearly. Often, arguments are started or sustained by miscommunications and misinterpretations. Making statements such as, “you are a [fill in the blank with your favorite accusation]” or “you make me feel” put the other person on the defensive and make them unable to hear and understand you, let alone meet your needs. These kind of “You” statements can leave the other party feeling confused, criticized or blamed. That is a recipe for that person putting up their dukes and fighting back. Now, both of you are unhappy, and the argument is unresolved. Being mindful of your language and using “I” statements help you to communicate your experience without blaming the other person, greasing the wheels for their willingness and understanding. Start with “I feel” or “I want” or “I don’t like” and then describe the situation without judgment. (See past blogs on my website for more information about what Nonjudgment is and how to use it.)

  1. Lower The Intensity

If you have heard the phrase, “fight fire with fire” you may know it refers to the idea of responding to a fire by lighting another one.  Sometimes in an argument, we instinctively want to “fight fire with fire.”  We want to be the winner that convinces the other party to change their opinion, agree to our demand, or simply say those magic words, “You are right.”  The problem is that as you each raise your intensity to be the winner, it escalates the dispute, the argument can get out of hand, and no one wins. Next time you argue and observe yourself becoming more intense (louder voice, bigger mannerisms, harsher words), STOP. (This is a DBT Skill that encourages you to Stop, Take a step back, Observe, and Proceed Mindfully.) Take a deep breath in the moment, take a break from the discussion if you need to calm down (and use Willing Hands or Half-Smile, some other DBT Skills that come in handy during an argument), and lower your intensity.  Ask the other party to do the same.  E.g., “Let’s both lower our voices. I’d like us to get through this together calmly and respectfully.” Then it can be possible to talk calmly as equals, hear each other, and respond effectively, working to get everyone’s needs met.

handling an argument, therapy, behavior change

  1. Take a Break

There is an old saying, “never go to bed angry.”  Although this statement probably intends to help resolve an argument, it can convey that when we argue, we must keep arguing until we resolve the disagreement.  This is simply not true, and it is not the most effective way to handle an argument.  If you are in an argument, sometimes the very best solution in that moment, is to take a break to calm down.  However, just walking or storming off can make the argument worse.  Instead, as calmly as you can, let the other person know that you need a break from the discussion.  Taking a break can give you each time to reflect, give your nervous system a chance to calm down, and help you to come back more clear-headed.  Negotiate a time to resume the discussion later.

  1. Practice Acceptance

Some arguments happen because we have different points of view.  You can get wrapped up in trying to make another person agree with your outlook.  Perhaps you even want them to adopt your opinions.  However, there are times you must “agree to disagree.” In other words, sometimes no matter how long or skillfully you talk, you will continue to have a different opinion from the other person. In those moments, you can practice the skill of acceptance. (Radical Acceptance is another DBT Skill useful in the midst of an argument.)  You will be accepting that the other person has a different viewpoint and that you may not be able to change it. Acceptance does NOT equal approval.  You do not personally have to approve of or adopt their perspective. Acceptance means that you accept the reality of the situation, even the parts of it that you don’t like. You let go of trying to change things that won’t change.

 

With these 4 Tips, you can practice handling arguments differently. Start with small, low-intensity disagreements and move to more emotional arguments once you’ve mastered some of these skills. If you often get into arguments, struggle to communicate, or feel unhappy in your relationships, you might seek the support of a professional therapist to help improve your communication and get more of your needs met.


What is DBT and How Can It Help Me?

Seeking help and going to therapy can be stressful. Choosing the right approach can ensure you get the care you need to make the changes you want. In this article, I’m going to give you introduction to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a treatment that may be helpful if you want more balance in your emotional life. DBT has become a popular technique used to help individuals cope with the stressful challenges life throws their way, and the intense emotions that can follow. The scientific research for this treatment is strong. Individuals often report huge, impactful, positive life change as a result of DBT. DBT focuses on helping people change their reactions and behaviors to create more resilience in life. Understanding what Dialectical Behavior Therapy is and how it works can help you decide if it is the right approach for you.

What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that was initially developed for people suffering from chronic suicidal thoughts and behaviors, and those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, implementing DBT revealed that it is helpful for people in a range of situations having difficulties managing emotions, and can help to reduce anxiety and improve coping mechanisms under stressful circumstances. DBT teaches you coping techniques and strategies to deal with difficult emotions without being caught up and swept away in them.

California therapist, psychologist, telemedicine with CBT, DBT therapies

What Does Dialectical Behavior Therapy Involve?

DBT is best administered by an experienced therapist, with a history of training and supervision in DBT by experts in the field. Full program DBT involves weekly individual therapy in addition to attending a weekly DBT Skills Group. Treatment length varies by person and treatment goals.

DBT includes –

  • Collaboration – working with a skilled therapist can help you identify what you want out of life and obstacles getting in your way. Bringing awareness to both your goals and challenges in a specific, systemized way is a key step toward making the changes you want.
  • Learning skills – one of the most important aspects of DBT is learning specific skills to incorporate into your everyday routine for growth, happiness, and fulfillment.
  • Practice – DBT is a behavioral therapy. This means that new behaviors must be practiced for change to occur. Practice, practice, practice, and then some more practice, is a common mantra in DBT.

The Four Modules Of DBT Skills

The four areas of skills learned in DBT are designed to help you better understand your thoughts and feelings, and change your behaviors to better achieve and support the life that you want. These modules include:

  1. Mindfulness
  2. Distress Tolerance
  3. Interpersonal Effectiveness
  4. Emotional Regulation

Who Can Benefit From DBT?

DBT has been shown to be successful in a number of different areas and for those suffering a range of issues including:

  • Relationship problems
  • Low self-esteem or shame
  • Weight management
  • Eating disorders
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Borderline Personality Disorder

DBT can also be used in many other situations, even where a specific diagnosis may not be defined. Under the guidance of an experienced and well-trained DBT therapist, you can learn life-changing skills to make a profound impact on your well-being.

DBT is an inspiring treatment method that can help change your life for the better. Talking with a DBT therapist can help you determine whether DBT is the right therapy approach for you. Contact me today if you may be interested in finding out more about DBT and shifting your life from surviving to thriving!


4 New Perspectives To Free You From The Guilt And Shame Drain

Guilt and shame can hold you back from the happiness and freedom you desire, draining your energy and burning you out. Sometimes it can feel like shame is eating away at you from the inside, and you can’t even bear to face family and friends.

Fortunately, there are steps you can take to be free from the guilt and shame drain, starting today. Working one on one with a skilled Dialectical Behavior Therapist is a key way to begin letting go of these painful emotions to live a happier, more fulfilling life. As a part of DBT, you will learn specific techniques to shift your perspectives and see things in new light.

  1. Recognizing Guilt and Shame is the First Step

If you recognize your feelings and are able to label them as guilt or shame, you’ve already begun the journey to cope skillfully with these emotions. Just bringing attention and mindfulness to when you are feeling guilt or shame is a powerful step. When you realize that guilt or shame is what you are feeling, gently label and make a note of it internally, without trying to change or modify it. This act of mindfulness and recognition of emotions works into the further stages of DBT where you can learn to welcome pain and skillfully cope with it, rather than pushing it away, which often increases emotional distress.

  1. Your View May Not Be What Others See

One of the tricks that guilt and shame play on your mind is creating thoughts that things are all your fault or that everyone is blaming you. One of the first steps DBT teaches is to recognize and unglue from your thoughts. This step involves working with a DBT therapist to carefully review how you may be automatically coming to conclusions about situations and staying stuck in a rut. When you are feeling guilt and shame, take a closer look at your thoughts and interpretation of the situation that brought up these painful feelings. Recognizing these biases in interpretation is a first step to using DBT to tap into your wisdom and let go of worry thoughts.

  1. Take A Short Break From Your Feelings

When you are feeling guilt and shame, it can be easy to get stuck in a cycle of self-blame and anger. It is important to give yourself permission to give yourself a break from what can be an endless cycle. Do this intentionally, not to avoid the problem-solving process, rather, just to give yourself a break so you can come back to solve the problem at a different time. Take time off to do an activity you enjoy, to help others, or to just do or think about something else for a while. Taking a break from the intensity of emotions can give you the chance to refresh and gain a new perspective on the situation.

  1. Remember That Emotions Are Temporary

Always remember that “this too shall pass” and nothing lasts forever. Mind states and emotions – no matter how powerful – are  temporary and we can ride them out. (If emotions feel never-ending and do not feel temporary to you, a DBT therapist can help with that!) This doesn’t mean you should avoid problem-solving when necessary. Still, you may not need to treat every thought and emotion as though it is very serious and must be solved immediately. Training the mind is a process. The mind is always changing, and we can learn to let thoughts and emotions come and go gracefully.

An experienced DBT therapist can equip you with essential skills and techniques so you can learn to be free from the guilt and shame drain. Contact me today to work with me on creating a happier and more fulfilling life.


Mindfulness Made Simple

As part of my practice as an action-based psychologist, I teach skills for emotional health and well-being. All of these skills start with the foundation of MINDFULNESS – purposeful awareness in the present moment.

My full definition of mindfulness is: The PRACTICE of adopting a curious, nonjudgmental, and gentle stance while cultivating awareness in the present moment by bringing one’s attention to an intended focus in an effective way.

That’s a dense definition. Let’s just concentrate on the PRACTICE part of mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice. No one, no matter how much they have meditated or read or talked about mindfulness, can ever make the declarative statement, “I am now mindful.” Mindfulness is a practice, and we slip in and out of this state. When practiced on a regular basis, we build the skill of mindfulness, a first and crucial step to peace, happiness and emotional freedom. When we strengthen our mindfulness skills, we can be more aware and awake in our lives and make conscious choices more often.

Intentionally bringing awareness to yourself and your environment is the first step to building your mindfulness muscle. One way to practice is through a simple daily meditation. Meditation does not have to be complicated. Placing your attention on three breaths as you inhale and exhale can reap benefits.

Even when your mind is very busy this practice is effective. You can attempt, as best you can, to notice yourself breathing for three inhalations and exhalations. When your mind wanders, as minds do, gently bring your attention back to your breath. Do this as many times as is needed during those three inhalations and exhalations. When you bring your mind back after it wanders, it is like doing a rep with your mindfulness muscle. Think of your mind wandering as something that is supposed to happen, and the act of bringing your mind back to your breath, even if only for a second, is like lifting a heavy weight with perfect form and building this focused muscle.

The more you practice (even if it is three breaths once a day), you will start to notice more about your experiences sooner and sooner. For example, you may observe that you are somewhat stressed earlier in the day before it turns into being overwhelmed. Knowing and recognizing what is going on is a powerful tool to allow you to begin making changes.  See video below to practice.

As with anything, reading this article will not change your life. What will? TAKING ACTION! Here are two options for something you can do today:

  1.  Pause, right now, in this moment and notice where you feel your breath in your body. You do not have to change or alter your breath, simply become aware of what your breath is doing right now. Attempt to place your attention on feeling your breath in your body for the next 3 breaths, and when your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath. Notice the effect this has on you in the moment and the rest of your day.
  2. PRACTICE with my short, guided introduction to mindfulness.

 

LIFE IS TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!

Thank you,

Amanda Gale-Bando, Ph.D.

Questions or comments? Email them to contact@drbando.com. While Dr. Bando will not answer personally, she may address your question(s) or comment(s) in a future newsletter.


3 Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills You Can Use to Transform Your Life Now

Dialectical Behavior Therapy is designed to help you better understand your feelings and emotions and free you from feeling trapped by them. Rather than simply analyzing your problem, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches specific skills that can be used in everyday life to give you greater happiness and wellbeing. So many people feel that they know what’s wrong, they just need the clarity and skills to work with the issues. DBT empowers you to do just that, with the ongoing support of a therapist’s guidance.

The skills learned in DBT fall under four umbrellas – Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal Effectiveness, and Emotion Regulation. Here we look at three skills you can learn in Dialectical Behavior Therapy and that you can use right now to bring real change to your life.

Identify and Label

Mindfulness is the ability to know and be aware of what is going on around you and within you. With the distractions and busy-ness of modern life, this is not as easy as it sounds. Consciously and intentionally bringing awareness to ourselves and our environment is the first step to building our mindfulness muscle.

When we are beginners, one of the most effective ways to do this is through meditation or a mindful activity like slow walking. Meditation does not have to be complicated. Placing your attention on three breaths as you inhale and exhale can reap benefits. (Remember, when your mind wanders, as minds do, gently bring your attention back to your breath. Do this as many times as is needed during those three inhalations and exhalations.) As you do these mindful activities, notice what you feel, physically and internally, and identify these qualities by giving them a name, like ‘step,’ ‘breath in,’ ‘breath out’; or even ‘anger,’ ‘worry,’ and ‘self-criticism.’ As you become more skilled at doing this, you can extend it to everyday situations, like driving to work, being in a meeting or having an argument. Simply knowing and recognizing what is going on is a powerful tool to allow you to begin making changes.

Accept Things As They Are (even if you want them to change)

Once you’ve learned to recognize and understand what is going on inside and around you, it is easier to work with these feelings. In some cases, you may identify things you can change. For example, every time you walk past the bakery, you notice a craving for cookies, so you can choose not to take that route anymore. To make that decision to change your course, you had to be aware that this caused a craving in you and accept this reality. If you spent effort pushing away and denying that this craving was a problem for you, or you were not aware this desire increased when you passed the bakery, you would not have been able to apply the solution of walking a different route.

Working skillfully with our feelings is also about recognizing what we can’t change, and accepting rather than fighting against them. One way to do this is to cope with a distressing moment by having a one-mindful focus. Learning to focus on one point, like your breath, a candle or flower, or sounds, can draw your attention to this one-pointed focus and give you time to calm down. Your Dialectical Behavior Therapist can work with you to develop a range of different coping skills to help you walk through difficult moments that will inevitably arise.

Taking Care of Yourself to Regulate Emotions

When you feel angry, hurt, or another painful emotion, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. You might even feel like your emotions are out of control. Fortunately, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can teach you how to manage emotions, so you feel more in the driver’s seat of your experience. A first step you can take, even before feeling a painful emotion, is to manage your vulnerability factors.

Eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, resting and taking time off when you need it can all help. By taking care of your body and health needs, you are making yourself more resilient to challenging situations. Imagine being cut off in traffic when you are well-rested, have had enough nutritious food to eat, are wearing comfortable clothing and had a nice walk out in the sun earlier that day. Someone cutting you off probably won’t have much of an impact. Now imagine someone cutting you off and you are sleep deprived, hungry and haven’t had any exercise. If you’re like most people, being cut off will have much more impact, and you will be more likely to experience intense emotions. Although life circumstances prevent us from always taking care of our bodies in an ideal way, the more we can do our best to take good care, the more emotionally resilient and better able to ride out life’s difficult moments we will be.

A skilled therapist can help you develop the DBT skills that work best for you to give you greater freedom and happiness in life. You don’t have to live each day as a struggle – talk to a therapist who uses Dialectical Behavior Therapy to learn more about these life changing skills today.


How do I Handle This?

 

How can we prevent crippling anxiety or depression? We need LOTS of practice welcoming in and feeling unpleasant emotions like sadness, fear, and anger. We need to lay out the red carpet for resentment, despair, and even hopelessness at times, because when we do, these emotions pass. If we open the door wide and set out the welcome mat, these emotions typically dissolve more quickly than we expect. We also don’t cling to these emotions – we feel them and let them go. Depression is that massive cloud of weighted bleh following you around. That cloud is made up of emotional buildup: thick, dense, burdensome emotions that have not been processed.

We forget that we can handle pain. In fact, we can cope with a lot of pain, often more than we expect to survive. Women engage in natural childbirth for hours on end and make it through. We survive break-ups, deaths, personal and societal tragedies, lost jobs, fever, and sickness. Through it all, we survive and usually gain self-respect in the process.

We breathe in-and-out and a new day comes. Sometimes the pain is so great all we can do is focus on just this one breath. Right here, right now. And then you know what happens? The next breath comes, and the next, and the next, and pretty soon we feel differently, and our thoughts change and shift. We welcome a new experience.

Us humans do a lot to get in the way of this process. We push away, avoid, ruminate, argue, distract, anything to not feel what is taking place in our body. (Remember, emotions are a physiological experience and happen in our physical body.) If my friend says something to me and I feel hurt, how do I process this?

  • I could avoid feeling it by thinking about it over and over (ruminating)
  • I could talk with numerous other friends about it to no end
  • I pretend it didn’t happen
  • I choose to ignore my friend hoping for an apology
  • Fill in your favorite way to deal by not dealing here ________________.

Instead, if I want emotional freedom, I could meet HURT at the door laughing and invite him (or her) in. I could treat this guest, HURT, honorably. How would this look? I might do a little self-talk that goes something like this:

“Ugh, I feel kicked in the gut. Where do I feel that? How do I know I feel HURT? What in my body is telling me HURT is here? (Take some breaths and notice sensations in my body.) I feel like the center of my chest is sinking. I almost feel out of breath. (Take some more breaths while paying attention to these sensations in my body and any other feelings that arise.) I think I feel HURT. (Some more breaths while paying attention to sensations in my body. When my mind wanders, or I zone out, I ask myself, ‘Now what is happening in my body? What do I notice?’)”

After maybe a few minutes pass, I gently decide what is most effective for me to do next. Is it to drink a glass of water? Talk to my friend about what they said prompting me to feel hurt? Continue breathing into these feelings and sensations? Get to work and put this aside until later? The key here is that I calmly ask my Wisdom what is most effective, rather than ducking, hiding and getting rid of that emotion as soon as possible. Personally, I sometimes like to set a timer for three minutes. When I do, this means that I have committed to throwing myself into feeling into my body (paying attention to sensations) for three minutes and will gently evaluate what is next when that time is up.

 

Remember, HURT is a guest, and if we want emotional freedom, we treat each guest honorably. I pour HURT a cup of tea, sit down with him, ask how he’s doing, pay attention when he talks, and we have a visit together. When he’s ready, HURT will decide to go. I won’t rush him out or even turn my back as he leaves. I will thank him for coming, and gently open the door and watch him go, letting him know he is always welcome. I may even thank him for his visit (emotions are very informative). I feel at peace.

When we push away what is uncomfortable, we create stress and even more unpleasant emotional intensity. When we welcome in our emotions and treat them honorably, we may experience pain, discomfort, aching, and we also give ourselves the gift of peace.

As with anything, reading this article will not change your life. What will? PRACTICE, of course! The next time you are feeling a painful emotion and would like help welcoming it in, listen to this short, three-minute, guided meditation to help you along. [Insert meditation link here] In fact, you can use this recording as a daily practice if you’d like to regularly engage in a skill to mitigate emotional buildup. (If you’d like to practice for a little longer, listen to this 8-minute meditation at the end of my article, The Guest House .

LIFE IS TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!

Thank you,

Amanda Gale-Bando, Ph.D.


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By Rumi


The Guest House may be my favorite poem ever written. I have been known to call it the holy grail for emotional well-being and general happiness in life.

More often than not, our suffering is caused by trying not to feel uncomfortable. It makes sense, right? We are human beings. We are built to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Hurt, sadness, fear, and shame receive a big, “NO,THANK YOU!” Happiness, elation, love, and passion are welcomed with, “YES, PLEASE! In fact, give me seconds!”

Seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is human nature. We gravitate toward what feels pleasant, and even call these things “good” and reject or run away from the unpleasant, that which we call “bad”.

Let’s take a moment to remember what Rumi is telling us.

“Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.”

Nowhere does this imply we should hunker down, shut our eyes, brace ourselves and hope that anything uncomfortable ends quickly. Instead, let’s WELCOME and ENTERTAIN every emotion that comes. Oh, Rumi, you crazy 13th-century poet, why on earth would we want to do that?!

This poet is on to something here. Something I call the secret sauce of emotion regulation. Something huge, important and completely life changing. In fact, if I could teach anyone I reach to do one thing, it would be this: Welcome your emotions regardless of whether or not you like them.

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.”

What a HUGE change in perspective this requires.

We must shift from an – “Oh no! Make this feeling go away!”  – perspective, to a – “Welcome! Come on in! I’ve set a place at the table for you,” – perspective.

To change our stance in this way is no easy feat. It is a daily practice, something we must do as often as showering or brushing our teeth. Remember, we are hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain, so we are going against our nature here. Good thing the rewards are great: EMOTIONAL FREEDOM!

If we learned to practice welcoming our emotions on a daily basis in this way, my prediction is that we would eradicate depression, anxiety, and many, if not most, disorders. That is a bold statement, and I stand by it! I have not yet, in over a decade of seeing many clients come through my office, witnessed anyone suffering from depression or anxiety while simultaneously welcoming their emotions. This is not a failure on anyone’s part. This is a skill we’ve got to learn, and unfortunately, usually aren’t taught as part of the growing up process. Be encouraged though, because no matter your age, this skill can be learned.

As always, your life will not change by reading this article or thinking about it. Rather, PRACTICE, PRACTICE and then more PRACTICE will help you build emotional resilience. If you would like some guidance practicing welcoming in your emotions, listen to this 8-minute audio, CLICK HERE. This is perfect to listen to when feeling a painful emotion, or as a daily exercise.

LIFE’S TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!

Thank you,

Amanda Gale-Bando, Ph.D.

Questions or comments? Email them to contact@drbando.com. While Dr. Bando will not answer personally, she may address your question(s) or comment(s) in a future newsletter.

 

 


How to Love Your Emotions (and why you want to)

I was browsing my YouTube feed recently and noticed a number of videos about “getting rid” of your emotions. There seems to be a lot of talk and instructions on how to control, master, and avoid having to feel those pesky and painful emotions. Tap this point on your body here, say this “positive” statement there, and make that pain and unpleasantness go right away.

I started to get worried.

You’d think I would be delighted, and that I might think, “I don’t have to feel painful or unpleasant emotions?! Great! Let’s get rid of them!” The thing is, I know better.

What I know, in my years of experience of helping people regulate their emotions, is that trying to get rid of or push emotions away increases pain, suffering, and misery in the long run. Avoiding emotions or trying to make them vanish makes things much, much worse. In fact, viewing any emotional experience as “negative” sets the stage for emotional buildup and suffering.

Well then, what do we do?

LOVE our emotions!

Now, I’m not just talking about those mushy, gushy, gotta love ‘em emotions like joy, amazement, thrill, infatuation, delight, and all of their friends. I’m suggesting even loving emotions such as fear, sadness, hurt, despair, embarrassment, guilt, jealousy.

Here’s the deal: our emotions exist and they aren’t going anywhere. Emotions are a human experience, and all of us experience the entire range of those emotions. Whether we want to or not, we all experience emotional pain. That is just part of life. If we didn’t have unpleasant emotions, we wouldn’t have empathy, gratitude, connection with others, deep appreciation for art and drama, understanding, and the list goes on.

In other words, all emotions, even painful emotions, have great value. They give us information about what is happening in our environment and ourselves, help us understand what we need and attend to it, and connect us to others. Pain is not something to be pushed away. In fact, when we push away painful emotions or try to mask them or just be “positive,” we actually suppress the painful emotion, which leads to emotional buildup.

The way to truly and freely experience life is to welcome in and feel whatever emotion comes. In other words, love your emotions.

Want practice? Check out this short audio meditation that you can listen to anytime, anywhere and start practicing loving all of your emotions today.

 

 

A practice in loving your emotions.

Take a moment to settle in wherever you are. It doesn’t matter if you are standing, sitting, lying down, or any other configuration, bring your attention to this very moment.

Begin to notice that you are breathing. Notice your breath coming in and out. Where in your body do you notice your breath? When you bring your awareness to your breath, where in your physical body is your attention drawn? It doesn’t matter if you notice your nose, throat, belly, or tips of your toes. There is no judgment about this, just simply noticing where your attention is drawn in your physical body as you notice your breathing.

Now, let’s take a few moments and notice physical sensations. What physical sensations are present in your body in this moment?

When you notice thoughts coming in, either distracting you or analyzing why you are feeling what you’re feeling, very gently, bring your attention back to your physical body and notice what sensations are present in this moment?

See you if you can lay out the welcome mat for whatever physical sensations are there – pleasant, unpleasant, static and rigid or shifting and changing, it doesn’t matter. Welcome in whatever comes.

You might turn the palms of your hands toward the sky, opening your posture to help you welcome in and allow whatever sensations are present in this moment.

See if you can put words to the sensations you are noticing: like, a presence in the center of my chest, a tightness in my neck, a warmth in my belly. Take the next few moments, notice physical sensations in your body and try, as best you can, to briefly describe them to yourself.

Now, I am going to ask you a couple of questions while you continue to breathe and notice physical sensations in your body. I don’t want you to search for an answer or try to come up with a way to answer these questions. Instead, simply notice, what, if anything you notice, when I ask you a question:

  • What emotion is present in your body in this moment?
  • Where is emotion present in your body in this moment?
  • Where, in your physical body, do you feel an emotional sensation in this moment?
  • Take some breaths as you notice emotional sensations or lack of sensations. Remembering to welcome in whatever is there.
  • Breathing in and out and welcoming whatever emotional sensations are present or absent. Welcoming your experience in this moment.

Now, bring both hands to rest over your heart center, or the center of your chest, one hand over the other. Breathing in and out, notice the sensation of your hands resting gently and lovingly on the center of your chest. Know that by tuning into your breath and your physical body, you have just participated in a practice to nourish, cleanse, and love your emotions. Your emotions, even when painful, are friendly and here to inform you. The more you practice loving your emotions in this way, the more peace and ease you are inviting into your life.

Acknowledge yourself for putting the time and attention into this loving practice.


Release Emotional Buildup

In a recent newsletter, I discussed affect labeling or putting a name to an emotion you’re experiencing (e.g., anger, love, happiness, fear, sadness) as a way of regulating them. Name your emotion and change your brain chemistry, in essence. (Read the full article) Then I introduced you to emotions being a biological, physiological experience. In other words, we feel, we don’t think, emotions. (Read the full article)

When you practice feeling into your emotions, you may start to develop a greater sense of peace, relaxation throughout your day, a release of physical tension, and the ability to feel what is happening in the moment, and then let it go, without hanging on and ruminating. The key here is PRACTICE. To reap the benefits of any of these concepts, you must practice, practice, practice. Notice, the word is “practice,” not “perfect.” You do not have to perfect these skills. (In fact, perfectionism leads to avoidance. More on that another time.) You just have to practice when you can, and for the length of time you are able.

To really learn how to feel into and process our emotions, we can’t just understand, we must practice. In this video you will be guided through noticing, feeling, and labeling your emotions in a very specific way. Check it out here:


Keep practicing and  see what benefits you start to notice. If you have questions or want to share your experience, please email them to contact@drbando.com. While I will not answer personally, I plan to expand on these concepts and practices in future posts, and I may address your question(s) or comment(s). I would love to know what is working and what questions you have.

LIFE’S TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!


Let’s get Physical

How are you feeling? Really, how are you feeling? In this very moment, what are you feeling? Take a moment to answer this question before reading on.

anxiety, depression, overcoming depression, life coach, fixing relationships, relationship management, couples counseling, individual counseling, psychologist, lifestyle change, thriving, breaking through obstacles, therapist, counselor, how to be happy, becoming happy, enjoying life, Orinda, Berkeley, Oakland, Lafayette, Moraga, Walnut Creek, Pleasant Hill, Alamo, Concord, Danville

What did you describe? A situation you are involved in or thinking about? Who said what to whom? What happened or is about to happen that resulted in feeling like you are now? If you are like most of us, you probably described thoughts about how you are feeling, and not the actual feeling itself. Well, guess what?

Emotions are a physiological experience.

This means that emotions happen in the body, not in the mind. We don’t think emotions, we feel emotions. That’s where the question, “How are you feeling?” comes from.

When an emotion fires, our physiology changes: our heart rate, temperature, breathing, and blood pressure (and possibly other functions like digestion) changes! We also experience physical sensations in our body resulting from this biological, emotional experience.

Have you ever become fearful and held your breath? Maybe you could feel your heart pounding fast in your chest. Think of a time you became angry and noticed short, rapid breathing and a strong energy surging through your body? Perhaps you felt heat in your face or the tips of your ears. What about a time you felt dread and couldn’t shake that feeling of a pit in your stomach or a nauseous sensation? These are examples of feeling an emotion physically in your body.

 

anxiety, depression, overcoming depression, life coach, fixing relationships, relationship management, couples counseling, individual counseling, psychologist, lifestyle change, thriving, breaking through obstacles, therapist, counselor, how to be happy, becoming happy, enjoying life, Orinda, Berkeley, Oakland, Lafayette, Moraga, Walnut Creek, Pleasant Hill, Alamo, Concord, Danville

 

Emotions happen in the body.

Although this statement is true, most of the time, when I ask someone how they are feeling, they tell me what they are thinking. It goes something like this:

 

Me: How are you feeling?

Holly: Eh, I’m a little stressed. I was stuck in traffic longer than I expected and I have a lot to do.

Me: That does sound stressful.

Holly: Yes, and you know it doesn’t help that my boss just upped my deadline. Well, at least I have a job to complain about, right? How are you?

 

Do you notice what is missing? I know very little about what Holly is feeling emotionally, and more importantly, she probably doesn’t know either. You might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. She told you she was stressed. What more do you want?”

THOUGHTS:

Being “stressed” is a thought. To have the thought, “I am stressed,” something had to happen to give me that information. Think about the last time you were “stressed.” How did you know? Your first inclination may be that you know you were stressed because there was a lot on your mind and you have a long to-do list. Those are thoughts. There may have been other times where the same factors were present (a lot on your mind and a long to-do list), and you didn’t feel stressed.

EMOTIONS:

What really happened is that you sensed some sensation in your body (an emotion) and your brain interpreted this as “stressed.” You may have noticed tension in your shoulders, the feeling of your heart pounding in your chest, your stomach doing flips or tightening, or many other possible sensations. In my work, I have never met two people who experience emotional sensations in exactly the same way.

Emotions are like snowflakes. When you get specific and describe how you are experiencing a particular emotion in your body, you will discover that this is uniquely your experience.

I will expand on these concepts in a future newsletter, but for now, how about having some fun with a practice? After all, we don’t learn or change from thinking and reading about concepts, we learn, change, and grow by taking action!

 

PRACTICE:

Over the next week or two, practice this for about a minute or so. If you make the practice session short, you will be more likely to do it more often, and the more you will learn. (Consistency counts! The length of time doesn’t matter as much.)

  1. Briefly scan your body. See if you can put words on sensations you notice in your body. (E.g., I can feel sweaty palms; I’m noticing some energy or movement in my upper chest; My jaw is slightly clenched; I notice my feet moving and fidgeting around.)

What do you notice? If it helps you put words to your experience, jot it down.

NOTE: This step is hard and may require repeated practice over and over and over again. When most people try to start describing the sensations they notice in their body, they struggle. It can be like learning a foreign language. Keep practicing and trying your best. Even if you notice something like, “a sensation in my chest but I can’t really describe it any further,” that’s great! Keep noticing and practicing and you may be surprised at how this skill develops.

  1. Now, without searching, without looking for or actively trying to come up with an answer, notice what happens when you ask yourself the question: What emotion is present in this moment? See what comes up and if you sense a particular emotion. (E.g., dread, excitement, nervousness, sadness, joy)

In my last newsletter, I discussed affect labeling or putting a name to an emotion you’re experiencing (e.g., anger, love, happiness, fear, sadness) as a way of regulating them. In essence, if you name your emotion you will change your brain chemistry.

  1. Now, again without searching or forcing an answer, ask yourself: Where do I feel ________ (insert emotion from #2 here) in my body?

Keep practicing and see what you notice. If you have questions or want to share your experience, please email them to contact@drbando.com. While I will not answer personally, I plan to expand on these concepts and practices in future posts and I may address your question(s) or comment(s). I would love to know what is clicking and what questions you have.

LIFE’S TOO SHORT JUST TO SURVIVE. THAT’S WHY I HELP PEOPLE THRIVE!

 

 

 


© 2017 Amanda Gale Bando Phd · Designed and Developed by D-Kode Technology

Dr. Amanda Gale-Bando

Dr. Amanda Gale-Bando